Sunday, April 14, 2013

The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same.

Around this time last year, I wrote a post titled Getting Friendly about wanting to make new friends. This was before my marriage imploded, before I had to go back to work full time, before the care and well-being of my three children became mine alone with no one to really help me. I just wanted a couple of close friends. A small life outside of family and home. I was determined to try to make new friends.

Well, here I am a year later. Single and almost 40. Working my butt off after being a stay home mom for almost a decade. And still with no freaking idea how to make a friend yet at a place in my life where having friends and connections outside of my home life has become super important for my sanity.

My life has completely changed. And, yet, some things stay the same.

I am grateful that last summer I was able to reconnect with an old friend, and we became close once again. I am very grateful for her. We try to hang out when we can. But she has a family and commitments and other people beside me she has to make time for. So, I don't see her often.

I've come to the painful realization that I just plain SUCK at making friends. I try to understand why. And I probably have a couple of pretty good guesses. For one thing, I probably over too much about myself (out of nervousness and NOT narcissism), and I KNOW I  try way too hard. And for another, I apparently can't take a hint to save my life.

The bottom line is that if someone likes you, they talk to you. They make time for you. If a person is too busy to ever talk to you or see you...guess what? That person is NOT your friend. They are, at best, an acquaintance.

I have hundreds of acquaintances. And there are people I sincerely care for and like.

This is not a "woe is me" post. I only intend to point out how slow going this process much effort it really takes. I think I am not everyone's cup of tea. Not overly likable.

I'm decent and kind. Hardworking and courteous. I'm intelligent and witty. But, still...I have YET to find anywhere that I fit. It's hard to feel like you don't fit in anywhere.

But I'm still trying. I am thinking about finding a social hobby or sport that I can join. A way to be active, have fun, and meet new people.

After all, with divorce comes weekends and weeks where my children will be with Daddy. And I can either stay home in my four walls or try to get out and have some fun and make connections.

It ain't over till it's over, right?

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