Random Crap I Wish

I'm a dreamer. I confess. I've always been the kind to daydream throughout the day or to just have goofy random thoughts. Admit it. You do it too. I believe we all do. So! Here is a list of random crap I find myself wishing. Enjoy...or tolerate...or just move on to a different blog. Whatever.

1.) I wish I was half the rock star I am in my own head.  Come on. You do it, don't ya? Listen to a song on the radio and imagine being the one singing your heart out in front of millions of people. I do. If I could just get over the nerves and let go...I could totally rock out a stadium. Well...I wish.

Riley and her cute little ears.

2.) I wish I had cute little ears like my daughter, Riley. I have a heck of a time getting comfy at night because I swear it feels like my ears are folding when I lay on my pillow. So uncomfortable. Big ears are worse than ugly...they're annoying.

3.) I wish I didn't have to shave my legs or...well, anything else. Guys have it so easy. They just have to shave their faces, and a lot don't even bother with that much maintenance. A woman will shave everything from the neck down (well, depending on what needs it. lol). Or she would if she had my genes. My father could pass for part grizzly bear...or polar now that he's old. And with summer here, you can't hide that stubble under jeans. Shaving sucks, but the alternative is much worse. This girl likes to be smooth and silky...so I'll keep the razors. I don't like wax...won't even go there.

4.) I wish I could have J-Lo's body without all the work that J-Lo puts into it. How awesome would it be to have the cut abs, the awesome booty, etc...and still drink soda and eat lots of ice cream? That would be so freaking sweet! However, not gonna happen. So, I will keep trying to get there the hard way...the only way. I probably won't ever get quite there...after all, chocolate donuts are my kryptonite.

5.) Along that same vein, I wish I were darker complected. I would love to be naturally tan. But noooo...I am so English/Irish that I'm also German. Yep. I'm one of the whitest white people you will ever meet. That translates to lots of burns and freckles when I spend time in the sun. I might eventually tan, but the sun damage will be extensive, freckly, and ugly...and dangerous. I prefer to stay away from skin cancer, thank you very much. Guess I'll either stay white or deal with the fake tan...creams, not sprays. Whole different catastrophe there.

Fearless Shelby and not-so-fearless Ben

6.) I wish I was as fearless as my daughter, Shelby Belle. She amazes me. She sings at the top of her lungs. She dances to the tunes in her head. She says what she thinks, and she follows her convictions without regard to what anyone else thinks about them. She's awesome! I wish I were half as awesome as Shelby.

Ben and his beautiful eyes.

7.)I wish I had my son's eyes. Ben has the most beautiful eyes on the planet. Just saying.

8.)  I wish I could star in an action movie but one with lots of emotion, drama, and butt kicking. Yes. I wish I was a super hero, Meryl Streep, and Helen Mirren all rolled into one. Does that mean that I wish I was Hugh Jackman?

9.) I wish I had a condo in the tropics where I could take my family and friends on vacation three or four times a year. Nothing humorous to add. That's just a straight up wish.

10.) I wish I had the metabolism I had at 18, the self-confidence I had at 8, and the wisdom I have now...or rather the wisdom I will have 20 years from now. Yeah, buddy. I would be freaking awesome.

11.) I wish I was a better mom, wife, daughter, sister, cousin, friend...woman. Still working on so much. I still have so far to go. But, I am trying to improve and be a person I would be proud to know and love. Trying.

12.) I wish I hadn't gotten so sick on Bryan wienies and cherry Kool-Aid when I was a little kid. I wouldn't eat hot dogs for years after that, and even today I am not a fan of those red hot dogs...at least not paired with red Kool-Aid. Aren't you glad I shared?

13.) I wish I had pursued that acting career I wanted in my 20's...or at least that I had a few novels written by now. It's all well and good to wish and dream, but at some point you gotta make that crap happen or move on. You know. Fish or cut bait.

14.) I wish a lot of stuff...I wish I didn't wish so stinking much.

I could probably come up with a dozen more silly wishes, but I think this is enough for one day. Now, I'm going to see what other wishes or dreams I can actually make happen. Why don't you think of a few random wishes and share them with your friends or family...make a Facebook note or write your own blog. Just a thought.

Catch ya later!

Within Ourselves

I recently came across this short little poem (I guess it's a poem) I wrote as a teenager. It was just this little thing that I remember jotting down because I was having a moment. One of those woe begone moments people in general (but especially women in their late teens or early 20's) tend to find themselves experiencing.  It got me thinking. Not that that's hard to do. I tend to go off on tangents.

Anyhow, it got me thinking about the subjects of loneliness and isolation. Tennessee Williams spoke of loneliness as an affliction that followed him his entire life. I think that if we are honest we could all admit to that. It's easy to feel lonely. You can feel lonely in a large city or a rural community. There's loneliness in our single life and sometimes (often times) even in marriage. I think it's just the nature of being human that we have seasons of loneliness. I think it can also become a way of life if we are not careful. It can become the very nature of our existence if we close ourselves up and do not allow others to share our journeys.

And isn't that the real problem? Don't we all have that within us? That tendency to stay within ourselves and to shut others out? We don't have time. We are busy. Perhaps we are with other people all the time but feel our voices are silent. Maybe others just wouldn't understand us if we revealed who we really are. Perhaps no one else cares to be a part of our journey. Can't that become a fear also? Whatever the reason, there comes a day or a dark night when our loneliness closes in on us. Even if we are not alone. Even if we have family and friends and a spouse who loves us. We still might open our eyes and realize that we've not really let others in. And time has passed us and we wonder how many missed opportunities lie on the road of our journey where we could have had something sweet or special, but we didn't recognize that moment. We were too focused on our day. We even shut our spouses out at times. Why?

Life goes by fast. We don't have to be lonely. I think opening up and letting others in takes practice and it takes forethought. I think it is a DELIBERATE process of scaling back the "busy" flurry of activity our days can become and making time to know and appreciate others.

I've been guilty. But I am trying to do better.

There's a song by Kathy Mattea (ms?) that states that we are "standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst." She's talking about how we let relationships lapse or we abort them before they are fully developed. And then we suffer with our own isolation.

Just a thought.

Anyway, here's that small little poem. A glimpse into my teen mind...and even to this day I can see where I am yet in this poem. Hmm...

Alone

Feeling the weight of my own loneliness.
Crying tears that no one else can see.
Staring through a window at a party
To which I wasn't invited.
Wondering what in the world is wrong with me.
Why do I feel this isolation?
Why does my heart beat out of sync?
Why am I different from those around me?
Like a book that no one cares to read.

Time Travel?

My grandparents, Thelma and George Seigrist

Have you ever wished you could travel through time? I'm sure everyone has. I know I have. There are many, many things I would do. There are MANY things I would love to go back in time and tell the younger me. Advice I would give...maybe a swift kick in the booty over a few things. But, then I start thinking of how my past has shaped who I am and how the steps I've taken on this path have led me to where I am. There are things in my life I want to change, but I would not want to have missed out on my family. I can't imagine taking another breath in this life without my babies. So, even my mistakes have worked for my good because even ONE different decision could have put me on a different path...one that might not have included them. I can't even stand that thought.

So, maybe I wouldn't want to travel in time. Although, I sure would like to spend another day with my precious grandma. I miss her more than I can verbalize. I still can't believe she is gone. I miss her. I miss my sweet Daddy. I miss other precious members of my family who have gone on. So, the chance to spend time with those I love who are gone would make time travel a temptation...you know...if it were possible.

But beyond traveling in your own lifetime, aren't there places and times you would like to visit? The old west? The Roman empire? What about traveling back to walk with Jesus while He was still on earth? That would be way cool. At least I think so.

Beyond the subject of time travel, I think about time in other ways. Sometimes I wish I had been born in another era. I think I would have made a great contemporary of my Grahm. She was born in 1926, so she was a young woman in the 40's and 50's. I think I would have loved living then. I would have fit in, I think. If I could  have been alive at that time, I think I would have taken a chance and moved to Hollywood. I would have definitely pursued a career in movies back then. How awesome would that have been? I just love the era of big bands and G.I. Joe's. Yes. I have an affinity for the 40's. I love the movies, the music, the romance of the time.

I am also a huge fan of the 50's. Talk about awesome music. Rock and Roll in its infancy. How wonderful! To see Elvis swinging those hips at a live show. To see his movies in a drive-in theater. Dude! That would rock! Who doesn't LOVE the 50's? I submit that those people might be a bit broken inside. Of course, I'm kidding. To each their own. I personally feel a deep and abiding connection to the 1940's and 1950's.

I think about earlier times also. I would have HATED living in any earlier than the 1920's. I would have hated that time era also truthfully. I like certain conveniences. Like pants. Women have really come a very long way over the last century. Even the skirts and dresses of the 30's, 40's, and 50's would have been more comfortable than those heavy suckers people wore before.

My Great-Grandfather, George Seigrist,
and his wife, Nellie (? I think. She wasn't my
ancestor, but I heard she was a lovely woman.)

Well, it doesn't really matter what time era I wish I lived in. I'm stuck here. And, some may argue (with much truth) that this is the most exciting time in human history to be alive. I am grateful for all of the blessings I sometimes take for granted as a member of my generation.

I was born in 1973, so I've got to experience bell bottoms (twice. They came back in the 90's) and 8 tracks. I got to grow up at skating rinks and ride bikes with banana seats. I never had to worry about Polio or many other diseases because I was fortunate enough to be vaccinated.

I grew up with cable and computers and air conditioning! Fast food! The internet!!!!! We have better options when it comes to medicine and health.

I've never had to work in a field picking cotton while my fingers bled like my Grandma did. I've been blessed with education about health care, so that I am better able to take care of myself. There really is so much to be grateful for. We are a spoiled lot really...those of us who are alive now or those who have yet to be born. The technologies we take for granted would be jaw dropping to our ancestors.

Anyway, I'm just rambling a bit. I do think it would have been cool to be able to visit the 40's and 50's and experience so many cultural and historical changes and shifts in society. But there are things I would have hated also. Things that I would not have wanted to live with. Like segregation. I like to think I would have had the courage to stand up and let my voice scream out at the injustice that the minority races in the country experienced. The limited and sometimes seemingly nonexistent rights and privileges of minority people, including women.  But truthfully, I just don't know if I would have or not. I struggle at times even in this day and age with feeling like a coward sometimes. But I like to think I would have done the right thing. I sure hope so.

As a woman, there are a lot of rights I take for granted, and there are certain things I would never put up with from other people. But there was a time when women were marginalized...that still happens today, but not to the extent it used to. Of course, I am talking about what it's like to be an American woman. I fully...and painfully...realize that there are still parts of the world where women and other minorities are still treated as property or subhuman. It happens. It's horrific.

Well, I am a product of my generation. And I guess that's okay.

What about you? Is there another time that you wish you could visit or even live?

Getting Friendly

I've been thinking recently about the subject of friends. How to make them. How to keep them. How to grow and nurture relationships. This is a hard subject for me. I don't make friends easily. I am a pro at making acquaintances. I am fairly outgoing and can chat up anyone. When I was a kid I was told that I'd never met a stranger. I have no fear of public speaking. I can speak to ten or a thousand (not that I've ever had to speak to a thousand people, but I have performed for several hundred at once), and I barely get nervous. That's just how I'm made. Put me in a group of people, and I will talk. Usually too much.

But friends? No. I am not good at the friend thing. I have a handful of people that I consider genuine friends, and yet I am not social with any of them. Not really. I have one especially close friend who is more like a mom to me than a girlfriend. And I rarely do anything social with her either. I guess I just really don't know what I'm doing.

Lately, this has started to irk me. I appreciate that I have a couple of people that I can turn to when I have heavy stuff on my mind, and they will listen, advise, and love on me. But I also know that I'm not a very good friend if the only time we really talk is when I have a problem. That's awful. It's selfish and one-sided. I think we need the social part. We need the gab on the phone ever once in a great while bit or to get together for a movie or lunch and just be girls. We need the laughs and the social interaction to balance out the crying on shoulders stuff. I haven't always done well in this area.

I am not antisocial...exactly...but I'm dang close. Part of it is just the stress and chaos of being married with kids. Not only am I not always available, but most other women I know are just as busy...(if not busier)...as I am. Part of my problem is that I am a loner at heart. I prefer my own company...until I don't. I like being alone most of the time, but I still need to get out and have some laughs with a good friend sometimes. The balance has been hard...okay, impossible for me to strike.

There's a dang good chance that this tracks back to childhood. As a kid I was self-confident, outgoing, and loved to goof off and play. I made friends super easily. Let's face it. It's just easier for kids to put themselves out there. We see people at school everyday and we have our groups. But as I got older it became harder and harder to connect with others.

First off, it's hard to make friends when you never know how long you are going to live anywhere. In 7th grade I went to Northside Jr. high; moved to Northwood Jr. High; moved back to Northside and then ended up at Cabot Jr. high. Yes, we moved 4 times in one school year! To top it off, I had started that year almost a month into the school year. I missed the school physical for athletics, and my parents didn't have the money to take me to see a doctor on our own to clear me for sports. We also could not afford the high top Nikes that were required for me to play sports at that school. So I was kicked out of athletics and put in P.E. That was a huge blow to me because I had been looking forward to playing basketball for my school.

See, that brings me to my other HUGE issue growing up. I don't just come from a poor family. I come from an impoverished family. As in, we weren't always sure we were going to be able to eat at night and a lot of times we had to stay with family members because my parents couldn't afford to keep us in a home of our own.

The first move we made that year of 7th grade (from Northside to Northwood) was because my folks had been evicted from our home and we had to stay with an Aunt and Uncle in another school district. They weren't just evicted. My Dad had made arrangements with the landlord there for more time, but the guy went back on his word and my parents got arrested for not vacating in the specified time. My sisters and brother and I sat in the police station waiting for my Aunt to pick us up. She took us back to her house, and I fell asleep on her big chair in the living room. That afternoon I woke up with my very first migraine. It was a nightmare.

Needless to say that I NEVER invited people to my home. I tried to keep all the turmoil of my home life away from kids at school. I was embarrassed. It was bad enough that we couldn't afford to dress like other kids, but I sure didn't want them to know that sometimes we didn't get to eat.

I can remember coming back to school after the holiday breaks with dread. People always wanted to know what you got for Christmas. I had a blanket reply of "Oh, this and that." I didn't want anyone to know that there were times we didn't get anything but a $5 sweatshirt. If that. Or that sometimes generous Aunts and Uncles would try to get us something. That kind of stuff is mortifying to kids. It was like that throughout my childhood and teens.

I couldn't go to the mall and hang out like other girls. I didn't have the money to go get a burger or chill at the skating rink. I couldn't go to a movie or the fair. We just never had any money.

So, I got good at keeping people at arms length.

And, 7th grade was not the only year we moved like that. It was commonplace in my world to move several times a year. The worst time for me was 8th grade. It started out awesome. We had moved back to the Sylvan Hills area where I had attended 3 whole years of elementary. I already knew most of the kids there and already had some friends. I loved it there. However, right after the first nine weeks of school we moved to Vilonia (a town about half an hour away). I had to make new friends. As much as I missed Sylvan Hills, Vilonia turned out to be a great move for me. I immediately found a group of girls I fit right in with. There were about 5 of us in all, and we were inseparable. We laughed all the time!!! I even got to go to parties for the first time in my young life.

But my family never stayed in one place for long. Toward the end of the year we moved again. There was only a few weeks of school left, and we moved to a town in North Little Rock. It was a new school. I was a stranger. And I was angry.

I gave up. I decided it wasn't worth the effort to try to make real friends, so I didn't even try. In fact, it would be years before I ever really tried again. By the time I decided I really wanted to have some REAL friends and not just people I was friendly to in the halls at school or work...it was too late. I just wasn't any good at it anymore.

Lately, I've really started to feel this void in my life. I think it would be nice to have one or two female friends that I could hang out with ever once in awhile. Someone to see chick flicks with...or any movie for that matter. Someone to hit the gym with or go to a museum. At the same time, I really want to find a friend or two who I have things in common with. Things like art, theater, and books. It would be kind of neat to have a friend who was actually into the same things as me. At least some of the same things.

So, I've been thinking about the subject of friends. How to make a friend. How to keep a friend. I would like to meet new people or just get to know some people better than I currently do.

It's a scary thing. No one can really know what it costs me to even try to strike up a friendship. It takes courage for me to ask someone if they want to hang out sometime. There's fear of being rejected. There's fear that someone doesn't really like me much and I'm putting them on the spot. I would hate to make anyone uncomfortable.

So, this is new territory for me. I'm trying to find activities outside of my home where I might meet someone that could be a potential friend. At the same time, I don't want to appear desperate or pathetic. Like I said, I'm a loner by nature, so I am a bit socially awkward. And I know that I would not expect anyone to just be available any ole time. I'm not. I'm busy and tied down sometimes also. But I also recognize that if I want to make a friend, I am going to have to put myself out there, make myself available, and be willing to even inconvenience myself sometimes.

I think in the end it will be well worth it.

Back To The Drawing Board

I used to love to draw. I drew portraits, caricatures, and I can't hold a pen or pencil without doodling. I used to love to draw family members or sketch a muscular guy. I was really into it once upon a time. Over the last few years I gotten away from it. Just busy. And my eyes are not very good. But lately I've been determined to get back into it. I am not good enough to ever be professional. It's just for fun. But it's a great way to relieve stress and express creativity. I don't think I will ever let it go again. I feel like I was missing a part of myself for a long time.

So, what do you do that lets you express your creative side? Of course, I also write, and I act when I get the chance. I want writing to be my career. Drawing is a hobby. A fun one. If you don't currently do anything creative, I encourage to find something that calls to you...poetry, song lyrics, art...whatever. Just find your voice and let the world hear you.

Sparrow

I wrote this poem about 12 years ago. It is included at the end of my short story, Shattering Inside (in the Kindle edition...not a part of the actual story, just bonus material). It's actually a song. So when I read it, I always hear the melody in my mind. I call it a poem, but I don't really know much about poetry. I don't know much about structure or meter. Anyway, this is a snapshot of my heart. That is how I see it. I hope you like.

Sparrow
by Lisa Seigrist Ahne

Sometimes I feel a void deep within me.
I search to find this thing
Missing in my heart.
Still you walk
You walk beside me.
You never seem to mind
That I'm wishing on a star.

Take my hand
Whisper softer
Can't you see
The restlessness in me?

I'm beautiful
So you tell me.
I have a right to go on singing if I want.
I'm a handful
When you hold me.
But I never fly away when you don't.

I know you fight
To understand me.
You never know
Just what to expect.
There are fears
Locked inside me.
Will I ever be
A woman I respect?

Take my hand.
Hold me tighter.
You can soothe
The restlessness in me.

I'm beautiful
So you tell me.
I have a right to go on dancing if I want.
I'm a handful
When you hold me.
But I never fly away when you don't.

Peace and joy
Love and laughter
At night I thirst for more.
I still believe in happy ever after.
It's all I'm thirsting for.

I'm beautiful
So you tell me.
I have a right to go on living if I want.
I'm a handful
When you hold me.
But I never fly away when you don't.

I won't fly away if you won't.

Can You See Me?

Can you see me? I feel invisible. Wandering in this world of people, a few meet my eyes. Their gazes glance off me like stones skipping across a still pond. Maybe I’m not really here. Then someone speaks to me as I collide with their day. It feels forced. Awkward. What do they see? What’s wrong with me? I tell myself, “Don’t talk too much.” I tell myself, “Hang back.” So, I just breathe in. Breathe out. Touching no one. And no one touches back.

Getting Real

Today I recalled a poem I wrote several years ago. I wondered what I had done with this poem. I searched for it. I can't find it. I have a mild memory of throwing it out. Yes. I think I trashed the poem. I wrote it during a hard and dark time in my life. I think that I came across this poem sometime later and was embarrassed by my own vulnerability. The part of myself that I poured onto that page.

The poem was very raw. Very Real. I should not have thrown it away. I think we all could stand to be more real. Stark. True. I would not share all of me with everyone. However, I should be able to see myself with my own eyes without feeling ugly.

Watching You

I was the wide-eyed kid in the corner
Hanging on your every word.
Thinking of how much I wanted to be just like you
When I grew up.
You inspired me
To see what I could be
And I doubt you ever even knew my name.
And I bet you never knew that I was watching you.

I listened to every word you had to say.
I watched the way you lived from day to day.
I tried to get it right,
To live just as you might.
Cause deep inside there was a planted seed.
And I never knew who one day
Might be watching me.

Yet Another Reason NOT To Inbreed

I came across this news story on Yahoo. Kind of...well...interesting. I wouldn't have thought people would need another example of why inbreeding is wrong, but just in case you do, here ya go! Yet another reason NOT to inbreed...as if we really need one. You might make BLUE babies!!

http://gma.yahoo.com/fugates-kentucky-skin-bluer-lake-louise-200247843--abc-news.html