Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I Miss Me!!!

Sometimes I have this unsettling feeling that I don't know myself any longer. The person I was seems so deeply buried inside myself that I wonder if I will ever be real again. It's not just about the weight. Though, fifty extra pounds has a way of making one unrecognizable when looking in a mirror. The 37 year old woman with age lines beginning to dominate her once youthful face no longer looks like me. The weight makes that issue so much worse than it might otherwise be.

But it goes beyond weight. I can remember having a self confidence that bordered on arrogance. Although, I would never have considered myself an arrogant person. In fact, I detest people so full of themselves that they must automatically be the smartest person in the room. I can't stand people like that. I want nothing to do with them. Snobbery has never been a part of my personality. But confidence was. I was sure of myself in just about every area. At least in regards to intelligence and talent. Now, I am rarely sure of myself or my instincts. I begin to wonder if I have an inkling of talent...a speck of intelligence.

I've changed in another way. I've never been overly patient, but sometimes I feel almost mean. Like I have to hold back from being ugly to some people. I just don't have a lot of tolerance. Not like before. I've changed in other ways too. Ways more personal than I would divulge in a blog. Yet it's there. I don't know why these changes happened.

There are some changes that I welcome. Changes that God has made in me. Ways He has grown me and molded me. Those changes are the ones I want. But I don't think it was His will for me to ever think that I am unintelligent or ugly or a hack. That I can't write and was foolish to ever think I could. I know those messages are not from Him. Yet, I hear them over and over.

I look at this life I live. Knowing it is a world away from the life I dreamed of for myself. For my children. Yet, here we are. Longing for changes that will be good. Longing to see dreams come true and not be crushed.

I realize that life has a way of kicking us in the teeth sometimes. It's just true. I know that since my precious Grandma died over 8 years ago, that life has lost a lot of its shine for me. Losing a loved one has a way of making a person guarded. Of hurting ones faith. I have prayed so many times since she left that God would help my faith be strong because sometimes I am so afraid of the bad things to come. And since she passed, I've since lost my Daddy. The man who raised me. The man I was not as close to as I longed to be. I loved him. I believe he loved me. Yet, I regret all those moments that I spent away from him. All those visits we never had that I can never get back. Our family lost my sweet cousin, Vannessa, just two weeks before Christmas this past year. And I wonder why God let that happen.

I know His ways are not our ways and He is wise. He knows what He is doing. I trust Him. But I still feel wounded and raw. Kicked around and beaten. My faith has changed. Not for the good. I still have faith, but now when I get scared I have to pray, "Lord, help my unbelief." I don't want to ever be in a place where I am unpleasing to God. I love Him more than anything. Still, as life goes on, we just don't see the world as sunny and hopeful like we used to.

And I can't completely blame Grahm's death. Even before she passed away, I was changing. Sinking into myself. I was in a dark place. I have a past. Most people do. My past is pretty sordid. Steeped in sin and depression. I will confess that there were times I longed to die. Wished I could just stop. Stop breathing. Stop living. Stop giving in to the sin that I knew had a very strong hold over my life. So, I can't blame her going home. In a lot of ways, my changing was my fault.

But through all the dark times in my life. Through the sinfulness. The time spent running from the Lord and into many arms of people who never loved me. I never doubted that God loved me. That He had a plan for my life. I never doubted the talents and gifts He had given me. I wasted a lot of time. I knew I was throwing away precious days, but when you are young you think there are lots of days left.

Now, I see nothing but wasted days behind me. Days that I could have done something with my life. I can't even regret all the heartache and bad choices. If had I had made even one small decision differently, would I have my children? Would I have my husband and family?

Still. I miss me. I miss the girl who loved to joke and cut up. The girl who loved to laugh and did not believe in worry. The girl who knew that God would make everything good and okay. I miss the girl who knew at age 11 she was going to be a writer. The girl who could step on a stage and lose herself in someone else...feeling the pain or joy or rage or peace that her character felt and convince others to feel those feelings with her character. I miss being sure that I am talented and intelligent and capable. Absolutely capable.

And sometimes I wonder if she is still hibernating deep inside me. Groggily peering through my eyes, astonished how quickly and completely the world around her has changed, but knowing she is still the same. Deep Deep inside.

I have to believe I still exist on that level. Somehow. I am still here.

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