Tuesday, January 11, 2011
It's a New Day!
I worry about how I am doing as a mom. My children are home-schooled. Are they where they should be? I lie awake in fear at times that they might be behind their peers in some way. I pray I am raising them in a way that pleases God. That I am teaching them about Him and showing them how to live for Him. I pray that I am not saying or doing anything that could be harmful to them in the long run. Anything at all that could damage the way they think about me, themselves, or God. Being a parent is the scariest thing I have ever done.
Recently our family has been going through the biggest life trial we have had to face to this date. I won't get overly personal, but I will share some. My husband has a condition in the thoracic area of his spine that has been devastating to his life. He is unable to do much of anything that he could a year and a half ago. He has been in constant, horrible pain for over a year now with little to NO relief. He is unable to work any longer. This is a man who has a tremendous work ethic. He prided himself in doing anything and everything he had to do to support his family. He took any honest job and worked any long hours just to provide for his family. I am VERY proud of my husband. At this point in our lives, he is just not physically able to do the things he used to. He has not lifted his children for a hug or a piggy back ride in well over a year.
They can still climb into his lap and hug him...as long as they don't hit the area of his back that is injured. However, he is no longer able to lift them or carry them. He can't wrestle with his son or throw the football with his teen daughter. Those days are gone unless God will touch him and completely heal him. That is our prayer. But we don't decide the when and if. We can only trust and hope. We go by God's timing. He knows what He is doing, and we have to trust Him.
I have recently went back to work. I have been out of the workforce for almost a decade, so when I started sending out resumes...in this economy...I didn't exactly have people blowing up my phone to give this awful-close to 40-stay-at-home-mom a job. In fact, the only people who called me was Wal-Mart. I lasted less than a month and dealt with constant migraines. Sooo...I went back to substitute teaching. No...I don't exactly love it, but I will do it as long as I have to. We are literally the lowest we have ever been.
However, my kids have never done without. Thanks to good friends and loving family and my AWESOME GOD my children have not only had their needs met but almost every desire. They had the best Christmas of their young lives. God is so good to us.
That brings me to what I really want to say. I look at my babies and I see their childhood flying by. I look at my husband (who just turned 40) and I long to make his life better. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see the lines on my face...my youth almost gone (I'm not ready to claim old age at 37 ;-) ). I see the extra 50 lbs I've gained since my youngest child was born 5 1/2 years ago. And I am terrified that if I don't make some drastic changes NOW that they will never get made. If I don't take the first steps I will never lose the weight and become healthy.
What if I live my whole life and never actually do anything that I dreamed about as a young person?! What if I don't make a future for myself and my husband so that we can know that when we do reach old age that we will have our needs met? I trust God to meet all of my needs and to take care of us, however, I also believe that God expects and demands that I work and pursue goals that will put me where I need to be. I believe in my heart of hearts that God created me to be a writer. That is the profession I believe I am called to. NO, it's not necessarily a ministry. It's definitely not a five-fold ministry...that is not to say that my writing can't be used in a ministerial form. That God can and will use my writing if He so chooses.
I don't know the wherefores and whys. I only know that writing is ingrained in my DNA. It is a HUGE part of WHO I AM! And I have to focus and get serious about that part of my life or I NEVER WILL.
Wow! I really do go on and on, don't I? Let me get to the point: I have a plan. That's a good thing. A plan helps.
Please help me along on this journey. Please encourage and hold me accountable. Tell me off if I appear lazy. Cheer me on during the good days. And above all else, BUY THE BOOK WHEN IT COMES OUT!!
Thanks for being here for me. For letting me vent and think with my keyboard. :-) More details about the book is to come. I have some written. Not a lot. But it's a start. And I have a deadline FIRMLY in place.
Keep an eye out for the details. Until then, have a wonderful week.