Mid-Summer News

This summer is flying by. June was fun and busy, but July has  been boring. It's been too hot to do much of anything, and we have been too broke to go hunting for fun activities. The kids are pretty good about not whining too much. Summer is not over. There is plenty of time to find some fun and educational adventures to get caught up in.

Today is Ben's birthday. He turns 6. He is my baby. My daughter, Riley, had her birthday in May, and Shelby celebrated her 7th birthday in June. We have one more birthday to celebrate this summer. Our oldest girl, Grace, turns 15 in August. There is a lot to celebrate in the summer time. I am just grateful that Ben got to celebrate his big day at home and not in the hospital.

Yesterday we were out running errands in Searcy (Arkansas) when Riley started whining that she had to use the restroom. Ben was heading into the men's room when he slipped in a puddle of water in the hallway of the restaurant where we had stopped to let them go. Man! That kid's feet went over his head, and he knocked his head on the tile floor...HARD! He started screaming and crying. He had a huge goose egg on the back of his head. I felt better about that, because I had heard before that if there is swelling on the outside of the head it means there is probably no swelling on the inside of the head. Good news, right?

I told him to look at me so I could take a gander at his pupils. It really seemed like one of his pupils was reacting faster than the other one. That startled me. We jumped back in the van and ran to the closest medical facility. It was an urgent care center close to the restaurant. I thought the place was to be used as overflow or an alternative to the emergency room. They refused to see him. For one thing my husband was not with us, and he had the his social security card in his wallet. For another thing they called his primary care doctor, and they told us to bring him over there. My husband, Shawn, was at an appointment. We were supposed to pick him up, so I had to interrupt his appointment to tell him Ben had an accident.

At this point Ben is just not acting like himself. He is crying that his head hurts and just acting lethargic. We get to his Dr's office, and are made to wait. And wait. The whole time I am thinking that if there really is something serious with his head, they sure don't seem to care. They finally take us back only to make us wait some more. Ben just leaning against me telling me he is tired and that his stomach hurts. The Dr comes in and looks him over. He seems pretty concerned. He said Ben really whacked his head hard and he thinks he needs a CT scan. He said the last time it happened the kid had fractured his skull. Not exactly a comforting thought.

They told us to take Ben to the hospital a couple of blocks over and go through admissions. They said they would be expecting us. Shawn doesn't handle this kind of thing very well. At this point he is being very vocal to pretty much everyone that he is angry we are waiting and no one is making sure Ben is alright. I am going back and forth between thinking he is fine because his eyes actually look normal now and he has not passed out or anything close and being afraid because he is acting so sleepy and keeps complaining he feels sick. I am not a doctor. I don't know how much is normal and what we should be concerned about. No one is telling us anything because no one seems to care enough to actually look at him.

We waited quite awhile before they took us to admissions. They had not received the orders for the CT scan. They called while I was there and was told they were faxed over. They told the clinic to fax them again. The whole time my son is laying in my lap like he can't sit up straight. He tells us he is going to throw up. So the admissions clerk hands me a trash can, and my son starts vomiting into it. So, he is crying and puking and scaring the snot out of me, and the admissions clerk only cares if our phone number is correct in the system.Shawn and I both wanted to scream at someone. We didn't. We were polite, but we were being treated like we were just stupid.

Finally, they took us up to X-ray for the CT scan. Still no orders. We were told to sit and wait. We kept having to wake Ben as he kept dozing off. He did not throw up again. Thank God. Finally, the orders came in and they took him back for his first ever CT scan. I am 38, and although I have had an MRI on my brain, I have never had a CT scan. He was a trooper. We waited a little bit longer for the results. The nurse (I guess she was a nurse. I am not sure) came back and told us that his results were fine and we could go home. We were relieved, but still didn't understand why Ben was acting so strangely.

Let me tell you, the exact minute that nurse told us he was alright, Ben perked up and started acting like himself again. It was startling and downright embarrassing. I discovered something about my son that I did not know before. He is very much like his maternal Grandmother. He is astonishingly like my mother. The moment he thinks he might be hurt he goes into stress and fear mode. He starts exhibiting the symptoms...until a Dr. tells him he is alright. Then all stress and anxiety leaves and so do the symptoms. In short, I think my boy is a bit of a hypochondriac. I think he is vulnerable to suggestion. The fact that Shawn and I were concerned about him being sleepy made him more sleepy. The fact that we asked if he felt queasy...he started feeling queasy just from asking him once...until he made himself ill.

We are just grateful he is alright. The goose egg went down over night, and he is very much himself today. In fact, he just came in the room to ask me when I was going to start on his birthday cheesecake. He wants cheesecake instead of chocolate cake. He also requested rainbow sherbet instead of ice cream this year. He sure is a great boy, and we are so humbled and grateful to be assigned as his parents. We learned not to ask him leading questions when he is hurt because he will take on the symptoms. Oops.

Here is just a funny side note. On the way to Searcy yesterday I was teasing with Ben. I told him, "You sure are a handsome fellow. I feel sorry for all those teen girls when you get to be a teenager, because they are all going to want to date you because you are sooooo handsome." I was playing around with my boy. Well, without missing a beat, he replies, "I know it. Even my dentist in Cabot is already in love with me. She tells me all the time." Well, now. Maybe I should scale back the teasing. Don't want some guy with the big head walking around the house. ;-)

Amazon is a trip!

Well, I noticed on Smashwords that my short story, Shattering Inside, was sampled often, but no one was buying. I had sold a few on Kindle (a few in the US and a few in the UK), but neither of my stories is doing great. I decided to just make the Shattering story free. I kept The Prisoner at $.99. I set it to free on Smashwords and Kindle followed suit. I was actually considering taking Shattering Inside down completely. I am still considering changing The Prisoner's title and cover art (and the description), and I am also considering another revision. We'll see.

Well, the other day I had a lady at church come up to me out of the blue and tell me that she had gotten both stories and really enjoyed them. I appreciated that. The way I figure it, if she had really hated the stories she would have just kept the news to herself. You know, she didn't have to go out of her way to tell me she had bought the stories and liked them both. So, I thought I might keep them up awhile longer.

Then something interesting happened. I checked my stats and Shattering Inside had been downloaded over 800 times in a day. As of this afternoon it has been downloaded over 2000 times. It was ranked at #130 in the entire Free Kindle Store last Thursday (that ranking has dropped off a lot since), and even today it was still ranked at #9 in the Kindle Short Fiction category.  It got up to #13 in the Kindle Contemporary Fiction category.  Someone also reviewed the story. The person gave the story 4 stars and wrote a nice review. They pointed out some issues with the story that I totally agree with. Maybe I should rewrite that one too. Not sure.

Anyway, I thought that was interesting. I was selling one here and two there before. Now it is free and the numbers are climbing. I would love to actually make a living with my writing. But I must admit it still feels kind of nice that people are reading my work and enjoying it.

But the question begs an answer: Can you have a "bestseller" if the product is free?? As of right now, I am ranked #9 in the Kindle Bestseller Short Fiction category. For free ebooks. And overall, I still think that is pretty cool.

New Cover

Well, I will be publishing my story "Swagger" on Kindle and Smashwords next month. I am thinking of using this for my cover. What do you think?

Swagger tells the tale of a young man who hitches a ride with a group of college students and leaves 4 corpses behind him just a couple of hours later. The next morning he hitches a ride with a couple on vacation in an RV.

I hope you enjoy the cover and the story.

I Love CurrClick!!

Wow. As a homeschooling parent there is a constant fear that I am not doing enough or that my kids could fall behind. It's a huge responsibility to take on. It is up to me and my husband to make sure that our children are well-rounded and educated people. It is up to us to make sure that they are ready for college when the time comes.

Well, since we began the homeschool journey, we have come across hundreds of sites dedicated to helping the homeschool family. It's amazing. I am thinking about compiling a list of the ones that I like the best and then featuring one each week here on my blog.

Today I want to focus on www.currclick.com. I am SUPER impressed with this website. They offer a gigantic inventory of curriculum. Guys, this site is not just for homeschoolers. This site is for anyone who wants to enhance their child's education. There are lots of fun stuff on this page. I have to laugh at myself sometimes because I get excited when I find something really cool.

To top it off, a lot of the curriculum is FREE!!! That's right. I didn't make a typo...I said FREE! And it is not junk either. It's GREAT STUFF!!!!

Out of all the educational sites that I have found thus far, I would dare say that I use Currclick more than any other. If you are not using this amazing resource, you are missing out. Just saying.

I Am Officially an Author on Kindle

Well, it's time to set out on a new adventure. I am nervous, but I feel the time to put up or shut up has arrived. I have uploaded a short story on both Kindle and Smashwords. It will NOT be my last.  I am starting with short stories so that I can have a presence in the ebook world while I work on a novel to put up. I would be fibbing if I said I wasn't nervous. I am. There is nothing I have wanted more in my life than to write and have people read what I've written. I don't pretend to write great literature that will change the world. I just want to write something that can help the average person focus on something other than the leaky sink in the kitchen or whether their children will need braces. I aim for fun and maybe some adventure. I do admit to throwing some drama into the mix on occasion...okay, I use drama almost as heavily as I use spices in my chili. I am who I am after all.

The Prisoner tells the story of Ellen Foley. Ellen has given up on life. She is severely depressed. She hasn't left her home in months. One morning Ellen decides enough is enough and plans to end her own life. However, an escaped convict name Sonny D breaks into her home, and she must decide if she really wants to die or if life is worth trying for.

You can find The Prisoner on both Kindle and Smashwords. Please go to

http://www.amazon.com/The-Prisoner-ebook/dp/B004YQCFAO

Get your copy as soon as it goes live!

Freaks On The Roads

They is some freaks out on the roads, y'all!!!

Seriously, I took my daughter to her Dad today for his weekend visit, and once again I see how many horribly bad drivers there are out there. Today is a beautiful Saturday, and we all know the crazies come out of the woodwork on pretty days. There was this one guy in a white van that had me praying for safety...for me and my kid as well as everyone else on the road...including his stupid self. This guy was straddling the center line. He would weave over to the right lane and then drift back into the left lane. Then he would just drive for awhile right down the center.

Finally, he got over and I was able to pass him. I tried to get around him quickly because I knew he would just drift back over anytime. As I passed him I took a good look. The dude's just chillin'. He's got one hand on the wheel and his left arm is resting next to the window. He doesn't look like he has a care in the world. Also, keep in mind that he is doing between 60 and 65 mph on the freeway. The speed limit is 70 and most on the road are doing 10 or 20 over that.

He had gotten into the right-hand lane right behind a truck pulling an empty trailer. As soon as I was almost parallel to the trailer, this cat veers back into my lane. At this point he is right on my tail. I thought he was going to clip me for a moment. I sped up and he slowed down. Way down. I looked back every few seconds in my rear view mirror and he was getting further and further behind me...still straddling the center line or drifting back and forth between lanes. I even saw him weave in between a few cars in his drifting. Of course, I thought how there is never a cop around when you need them...like there should just be thousands of police officers on patrol of that highway. I was praying for everyone he might come in contact with...I was also praying that he would get pulled over and checked out.

It's amazing to me how driver's licenses are handed out all willy nilly. I want to address some very bad driving habits that a lot of people have. Of course, please keep in mind that most of the following is written a bit smart alecky and tongue in cheek. It's not exactly the raving vent it seems...though I do tend to believe what I say. I have a destination in mind.

First off, there is a breed I like to call "Road Bullies." These are the people who don't believe speed limits apply to them. That is just a stupid law they should not have to obey. I confess I tend to drive about 5 miles over the speed limit. I've been known to up that to 10 over if there is someone behind me tailgating. I get so annoyed by the people who will blow by going 85 to 95 mph (or FASTER) on the freeway. They weave in and out of traffic and shoot the gaps. They think everyone should get out of their way because they own the road.

They are the ones who will drive right up on your butt and glare because you dare to be in their lane. Well, guess what, Buddy? I am not getting over for you. I find these people to be arrogant jerks. These are the creeps who will see a sign that plainly states that the left lane ends in 1/2 a mile and to merge right, but they don't think that means them. So they speed along until the lane ends then they turn on their signals and force their way in front of some poor sap who actually obeyed the traffic signs. I am convinced these are the people who will cut in line at the grocery store or in the lunch line at school. People who just think they are special and should be allowed to do as they please. Rude. Arrogant. Jerks.

As you can probably tell, I can't stand people who drive that way. They make me very very angry. I've been known to slow down to a ridiculous speed just to tick them off. Well, in fairness I did that once when I was in my early 20's. I'm a bit more mature than that now. Now I try to keep my temper and ignore them.

Then at the other end of the spectrum, there are those people who will pull out in front of you, causing you to hit your brakes so you don't hit them...then they will proceed to drive 10 or 15 mph under the speed limit. These people are pure frustration Nothing like getting behind a crawler for 10 miles.

I figure most of us will fall into one of the above categories at some point. I guess we can all be stupid at times. I think my problem is that I hate to drive. It's not really driving I hate, but I despise traffic. My husband tells me that traffic is a hot button for me. I get so irritated so fast. I don't do stupid things...except the above confession of slowing down on purpose. I don't make a habit of that. One person caught me on a day when I was very young and not in the mood to take any mess. I don't advise being petty and immature like that. I sure don't recommend it to a Christian who ought to act better. I made a mistake and feel pretty silly about it.

I think God has grown me a lot in that area. Though, I still get pretty annoyed. I still get impatient. However, I don't shout and cuss...and I've been known to do both. One time when I was backslidden and not living for the Lord like I should, I got so mad merging on the freeway one day that I dropped the F-bomb right in front of my Grandma!!!

Oh, I was ashamed. I giggled at first. Not because I thought it was funny but because I was embarrassed. I said, "I said a bad word."

Grandma said, "Yep. You did."

I said, "I'm sorry, Grandma." She replied, "Well, you ought not to talk that way."

That was all that was said. She didn't lecture me or yell at me. But I knew she was disappointed in me. That hurt.

I'm not sitting here saying that I am a perfect driver. But I do think that I am a good driver. I will tell you though, when I first got my license I was a mess. First off, I am shocked I passed the driving test.

I ran a stop sign with the police officer in the car with me! He says, "There was a stop sign back there."
I said, "Didn't I stop?" He goes, "Nope. You rolled through." Oops. He got on to me a couple of times telling me to stay in my lane. I said, "But we're in a parking lot." He said, "Go to Wal-Mart and see if you don't have a right lane and a wrong lane." Yet, he passed me.

That first week of driving was a doozy. One day I was driving down a narrow street and another car dared to come toward me in the opposite lane. I was afraid I was too far over, so I went to the right. I hit a big rock and went airborn. I landed on someone's mailbox...just crushed it. Oops. That first week my rear view mirror fell off. I managed to back into not one but two cars in that same week.

Well, I am a much better driver now. I follow the law (although I do confess to driving about 5 mph over the limit...my husband actually drives the limit. I think he is the only person I know who does). I've never been in another accident outside that first week with a license, and I am considerate of other people. I teased earlier that I won't get over for a road bully. I won't either if they are acting ugly or if the traffic on the other lane is too heavy, but I was just teasing. I usually will get over and let them pass. I don't believe in antagonizing someone and deliberately making them mad. I try not to do that. I do obey the traffic signs. I would never drive up to the end of a lane and force my way and cut in line. That is rude.

The bottom line is that the roads are dangerous. There are bad drivers and good drivers having bad days. After all, the ones driving those cars and trucks and vans and SUVs are a bunch of human beings. We all know that when you get those human beings involved things won't always go smoothly or good. We are just imperfect. So, be careful on the roads and try to be considerate of others, and please obey the laws. They are in place for very good reasons.

All that being said, I have been thinking for awhile about a road bully who cuts off one of those frustrating slow drivers in traffic. The story is called Facing Dawn and it will be part of a short story collection this spring. The collection is called Swagger and will be up on Kindle toward the end of May.

Facing Dawn is the story of a lady with a lot on her mind. She cuts off the wrong guy. A guy who is sick and tired of being passive and kicked around. She doesn't give the incident a second thought. She has no idea that she has set off a reaction in him that will be violent and dogged. Look for it this spring. I hope you will enjoy the story.

Summer, Oh Summer! Where Art Thou?

The weather in Arkansas the last few weeks has been great. Highs in the 70's. Sunshine! It was awesome. Well, this week my family took a couple of days and headed up to Branson. I checked the weather for days before we left and it called for highs in the low 60's with lots of sun. However, weather down here has a way of laughing in your face.

The sunny day in the 60's became overcast in the 40's. Cold and miserable! So, we hightailed it back to Arkansas expecting partly cloudy skies with highs in the 60's. We got gloom and temps in the 50's. Today it is cold and wet. It's raining and not going to get very warm today. So all that sunshine and pretty weather was wonderful while it lasted. It was a tease and a taste of the warm spring yet to come.

I'm a summer girl myself. I love heat. But I am seriously wanting more warm spring weather. I think that since we cut our holiday off early that we will try again when the sun peeks back out. This time we might head for one of our many state parks here in Arkansas. We'll get a nice cozy cabin with a mountain view and cook out on the grill. We will watch the sunset over the valley while the kids play outside. Then we can play a board game or two before bed. Something fun and relaxing.

We got season passes to Silver Dollar City, so we hope to make the 4 hour drive to Branson often this year. We are going to try to get to as many of their festivals as possible...but not so often that we get sick of the place. If we just go three times this year, the season passes are well worth the investment. Our favorite thing is the Old Time Christmas Festival, but I've wanted to go to the Bluegrass and BBQ festival and the Southern Gospel event for years. I'm looking forward to it a lot. If I can get past all the walking and the crowds. Man! That place is crowded!!!

No matter what we do...whether we are at a crowded theme park, at a noisy and crowded Branson show, or hiking at one of our state parks and picnicking on hot dogs at the playground, my family loves to get out in the warm fresh air. After the long and dreary winter we've had, I think we are all looking forward this even more this year than ever before.

So come on Summer!! Or at least, please come to stay warm Spring days! Winter needs to go bye bye!!!!

Review of Dead Space by Lee Goldberg

Let me preface this review by saying that I am a huge fan of Lee Goldberg. Love him. Love him. Love him. He was the executive producer of Diagnosis Murder (an older television program that my husband and I thoroughly enjoy), and he wrote all of the tie in books for Diagnosis Murder. He has written episodes of some of my fave TV shows such as Psych and Monk, and he also writes all of the tie in books for Monk. He has written many of those books and still has more on the way. I devour his Monk and Diagnosis Murder books. I can't get enough of them. This is really saying something. I think the only other tie in book I have EVER read (outside of Lee's) was the book based on the movie The Karate Kid back when I was like 12. Tie in books are not usually my thing. However, Lee develops characters so well that it not only feels as though I am catching up with old friends, it feels as though I am getting to know my friends on a much deeper level than ever before. Yes, I know that is corny, but it is what it is. I want to feel like the characters I have grown to care about are my friends. I would never read a book or watch a TV show if I were not somehow emotionally invested in the characters. What would be the point?

I also read Lee's blog, A Writer's Life, almost religiously. I have learned a lot from him, and I have no shame in admitting that I have a deep fear of ending up in his "The Mail I Get" section. Trust me. No one wants to end up in that section. He really knows how shine a spotlight on stupidity.

So, when I started reading Lee's book, Dead Space (also known as Beyond The Beyond), I was looking forward to it. Lee has a marvelous sense of humor, and the book promised lots of laughs. His Monk books are hilarious in places, and I know that whatever Lee Goldberg puts out is going to be entertaining. Period.

That being said, don't assume that if you like his other work that you will love Dead Space. You might. You might not. I tend to be one of those old-fashioned folk who can not abide profanity and graphic sex in the books I read. Some of that is the conviction of my faith, and some of that is just plain personal preference. If you are sensitive to cussing and sex, this may not be the book for you.

However, if the worse thing someone says about your writing is that there was too much language and sex...well, that's a good thing. I mean, I have nothing derogatory to say about Lee's writing ability. This was a fun and fast-paced story. I laughed out loud several times. The book is hilarious. It is a satire on the many...um...colorful fans of shows such as Star Trek. It tells the story of how a new television network wants to bring back an old 60's Sci-Fi show (obviously based on Star Trek or shows like it), but the network wants to revamp the show and play to a younger, hipper audience. This doesn't sit well with a few homicidal fans...and a very nutso former star of the show. Chaos ensues, and it is up to former cop, ex-television star and current studio security, Charlie Willis. I love this character, by the way. He is just really cool.

It is up to Charlie to find the killer(s) before anyone else (including himself) is knocked off. It's a fun read. There are a ton of 90's references (since the original version of the book, Beyond The Beyond, came out in the 90's), but the book is not dated. It just seems like a retro book set in the 90's. I loved the 90's pop culture references. It was fun to think...oh, wow, I forgot about her!

I recommend this book to anyone who loves Star Trek or other 60's and 70's Sci-Fi favorites...if you can get past the language and sometimes graphic and very crude references to sex. I personally could not. It's not my thing. Like I said, if the only bad thing you can say about a book is that the author has a dirty mouth, then you just have to ask yourself what is alright with you. The story is funny and a lot of fun. The characters are a hoot. But I give fair warning that there is a lot of profanity and crude sexual...um...stuff. Some of us care about that kind of thing, and some of us don't give a flying fig newton one way or the other.

I still love Lee Goldberg, but I might stick with the tie in books. Still, Charlie Willis rocks.

The New Middle Road by Francis Chan

I Miss Me!!!

Sometimes I have this unsettling feeling that I don't know myself any longer. The person I was seems so deeply buried inside myself that I wonder if I will ever be real again. It's not just about the weight. Though, fifty extra pounds has a way of making one unrecognizable when looking in a mirror. The 37 year old woman with age lines beginning to dominate her once youthful face no longer looks like me. The weight makes that issue so much worse than it might otherwise be.

But it goes beyond weight. I can remember having a self confidence that bordered on arrogance. Although, I would never have considered myself an arrogant person. In fact, I detest people so full of themselves that they must automatically be the smartest person in the room. I can't stand people like that. I want nothing to do with them. Snobbery has never been a part of my personality. But confidence was. I was sure of myself in just about every area. At least in regards to intelligence and talent. Now, I am rarely sure of myself or my instincts. I begin to wonder if I have an inkling of talent...a speck of intelligence.

I've changed in another way. I've never been overly patient, but sometimes I feel almost mean. Like I have to hold back from being ugly to some people. I just don't have a lot of tolerance. Not like before. I've changed in other ways too. Ways more personal than I would divulge in a blog. Yet it's there. I don't know why these changes happened.

There are some changes that I welcome. Changes that God has made in me. Ways He has grown me and molded me. Those changes are the ones I want. But I don't think it was His will for me to ever think that I am unintelligent or ugly or a hack. That I can't write and was foolish to ever think I could. I know those messages are not from Him. Yet, I hear them over and over.

I look at this life I live. Knowing it is a world away from the life I dreamed of for myself. For my children. Yet, here we are. Longing for changes that will be good. Longing to see dreams come true and not be crushed.

I realize that life has a way of kicking us in the teeth sometimes. It's just true. I know that since my precious Grandma died over 8 years ago, that life has lost a lot of its shine for me. Losing a loved one has a way of making a person guarded. Of hurting ones faith. I have prayed so many times since she left that God would help my faith be strong because sometimes I am so afraid of the bad things to come. And since she passed, I've since lost my Daddy. The man who raised me. The man I was not as close to as I longed to be. I loved him. I believe he loved me. Yet, I regret all those moments that I spent away from him. All those visits we never had that I can never get back. Our family lost my sweet cousin, Vannessa, just two weeks before Christmas this past year. And I wonder why God let that happen.

I know His ways are not our ways and He is wise. He knows what He is doing. I trust Him. But I still feel wounded and raw. Kicked around and beaten. My faith has changed. Not for the good. I still have faith, but now when I get scared I have to pray, "Lord, help my unbelief." I don't want to ever be in a place where I am unpleasing to God. I love Him more than anything. Still, as life goes on, we just don't see the world as sunny and hopeful like we used to.

And I can't completely blame Grahm's death. Even before she passed away, I was changing. Sinking into myself. I was in a dark place. I have a past. Most people do. My past is pretty sordid. Steeped in sin and depression. I will confess that there were times I longed to die. Wished I could just stop. Stop breathing. Stop living. Stop giving in to the sin that I knew had a very strong hold over my life. So, I can't blame her going home. In a lot of ways, my changing was my fault.

But through all the dark times in my life. Through the sinfulness. The time spent running from the Lord and into many arms of people who never loved me. I never doubted that God loved me. That He had a plan for my life. I never doubted the talents and gifts He had given me. I wasted a lot of time. I knew I was throwing away precious days, but when you are young you think there are lots of days left.

Now, I see nothing but wasted days behind me. Days that I could have done something with my life. I can't even regret all the heartache and bad choices. If had I had made even one small decision differently, would I have my children? Would I have my husband and family?

Still. I miss me. I miss the girl who loved to joke and cut up. The girl who loved to laugh and did not believe in worry. The girl who knew that God would make everything good and okay. I miss the girl who knew at age 11 she was going to be a writer. The girl who could step on a stage and lose herself in someone else...feeling the pain or joy or rage or peace that her character felt and convince others to feel those feelings with her character. I miss being sure that I am talented and intelligent and capable. Absolutely capable.

And sometimes I wonder if she is still hibernating deep inside me. Groggily peering through my eyes, astonished how quickly and completely the world around her has changed, but knowing she is still the same. Deep Deep inside.

I have to believe I still exist on that level. Somehow. I am still here.